Life is turning upside down, backwards and inside out. My mother is dying. I am sitting in her dark bedroom while she sleeps because that's all she has the energy to do anymore.
She went to the emergency room in Burlington on April 29, Monday. They said she had an obstruction and put her on a liquid diet. Eventually they put up on a soft diet but she got sick again. They went back to liquids, gave her pain meds and were going to send her home because she wasn't in pain anymore. What a trip! Unsatisfied with what they were doing, she asked her cancer doctor for advice.
She was transferred to the hospital in Iowa City on May 4, Saturday, where her cancer doctor was hoping to get her a chemo treatment to knock down the cancer activity, and Monique joined her there. She did receive one chemo treatment which caused her so much pain! Monique said it was terribly awful to watch. They went back to clear liquids, then broth and I think she eventually had a few bits of pancakes but ended up sick and had to make herself throw up again and again. She decided, at that point, that this was not the kind of life she wanted to live. She decided it was her time to go and was not going to fight anymore. No more chemo, no more hospitals, no more food, no more water. She was in control and was ready to return to Heavenly Father.
Todd arrived on May 8. The rest of us arrived on May 9. We sat with her at the hospital, walked around, talked and waited. She did start taking sips of water, though, because she was thirsty.
She got a drain g-tube on the 10th, knowing that she didn't want anything in her system - to cause pain or to be absorbed. The tube is in her stomach so anything she takes in, goes out the tube into a bag, which we empty. We took her home on the 11th. She went to church on the 12 - Mother's Day - and said goodbye to all the people there. She had loads of visitors and was doing relatively well Monday and Tuesday, sitting out in the orange recliner and visiting and napping throughout the day. I worried that we were doing the wrong thing - letting her starve to death because the doctor's said her cancer was "attacking" her intestines so they weren't working. That caused any food she ate to stay in her stomach which then caused her to eventually feel sick, pain and have to make herself throw up to get rid of the food in her stomach. Monique said it was awful to watch Mom in the hospital, in so much pain and sick and throwing up. Because the cancer wouldn't go away and things would not go back to normal, Mom decided it was time to progress to the next step in her eternal journey. She is at peace with her decision but I worried...
She spent the next few days getting weaker and weaker but each day she would come up with something that needed to be done. She wrote her last Poem email and sent 5 poems which she had never sent out before. She got us to work on changing ownership of the grandkids' college funds. She wrote a letter and found a poem that she had written to a girl from her branch so that she could reach out to the girl one last time, in hopes of helping her return to the covenant path. Always thinking of others and wanting to bring them to Christ.
It has been a crazy week. It truly seemed to me that she would get better, if she would just eat. She was too healthy and strong to just die so it has dragged on. This morning she thought she was going to take a trip to Duluth. She is so weak and just skin and bones. Dad gave her a blessing yesterday, releasing her from this mortal life. This morning she asked why it was taking so long. My poor wonderful mother! I love her so much and will miss her terribly but I will take comfort in the knowledge I have of where she is going - right here in the spirit realm, with her mother and father and brothers and all who have gone before her. She is a stalwart disciple of Christ and will be ready to serve and work on the other side of the veil. She will watch over us and hopefully help us all as we struggle.
I was able to read a poem from Emily to Grammy and she said it was great. It is a tribute to Grammy and is amazing - because Emily has Grammy's talent for writing poems. They just come to her and she is very receptive! What a treasured moment!
We have decided to take turns sitting with her so we have 1/2 hour shifts to be in the room with her so that if she needs us we are right there for the final moments. We are sure she shouldn't last through the weekend ... but that's what we said at the beginning of the week.
I went to Sacrament Meeting with Dad, today (5/19). It was harder than I expected and I got a few tissues before the meeting started. I was glad to be there with him but it was hard to think of Mom not ever being there again. We went home to be with everyone and we enjoyed seeing some of Alise's stake conference on her phone before the nurse showed up.
She made it through the weekend... We were making dinner Monday night (5/20) and I was sitting with her and noticed her breathing differently so I called everyone in. We watched as she stopped breathing but then she started again, so we ate dinner. We came back to her room for Family Home Evening and had a nice discussion from the Come, Follow Me manual. Alise readjusted her and it was just a little later that Mom stopped breathing again. She took another breath, then we waited. She took another breath, then we waited. Finally she didn't breath again and she was gone. 6:29 p.m. May 20, 2019. Alise had Facetimed Nicole so she was able to be with us. We talked and cried and were relieved, and sad and happy.
The nurse arrived around 8 and that is the official death time. She called the funeral home. While we wait we changed her into her temple dress. They came and took her body away. As they buckled the strap on the gurney Monique wanted to sing, "buckle up for safety, buckle up," but she just whispered it to me as they took her out. Crazy. It's over. She's gone, and yet I know her spirit is still here. I want to cry but do I have to?
Alise and I did have a crying moment together in the bedroom after they left. I was glad to release with her, with anyone. Todd left a couple hours after they took her. I'm glad he was able to be here when she passed.
We took Mom's temple stuff to the funeral home today (5/22) so that she could be properly dressed before she is buried. It was so strange to see her in the coffin. Her body was stiff and cold. Nicole and Monique put some lipstick on her lips and we said our goodbyes.
She was buried today (5/23). We Facetimed Nicole again, so she could be there, but really it was just a hole in the ground and we didn't stay to watch the coffin get lowered into the ground. Dad simply dedicated the grave site and that was that. It is a very nice cemetery and I'm sure that stone will be nice - white like all the others since it is a military national cemetery. Still so crazy that this is actually happening to me and my family. I just truly didn't expect this to happen and it is so surreal and odd.
I will leave tomorrow (Friday). Monique and Alise will leave Saturday. Then Dad will be alone. I hope he will be okay. I know he hated watching her suffer and linger. She is better off but we will all miss her.
I am glad that I have the gospel, knowledge and testimony of the plan of salvation, and the love of the Savior and Heavenly Father to help me through this time.
I will love you forever, MOTHER!
April 2023
1 week ago